Hot cross buns

My mom sat me on a curling iron when I was a baby. Obviously, she didn't mean to. I was naked and she was on the phone and the curling iron was on the bed. She plopped me down and, "Owww! Cry!!!!! Wail!!!!" I sat in a tub of ice for a few weeks and luckily my behind is scar-free. My mother however, received raised eyebrows and scrutinizing eyes from the doctor for the next several years.




Ouch

Better off in a dive bar.

I took my first job as a waitress in New York City so I could audition on my days off. I'm a horrible waitress, in fact I've always hated it, but the money was good because I worked at the "it" spot at the time. Big mistake. One of the managers I answered to lived on a diet of Reese's peanut butter cups and cocaine. For some reason, she had it out for me. Hated me. And I could never understand why. I mean, why not bully the homeless guy who fronted as a bus boy? I asked myself if she picked on me because I was new. Because at 5' and 100 lbs, I am seemingly frail? Maybe it's because I'm a good person and she's a high school dropout. Anyway, for months she breathed down my back, powdery nostrils flaring, and screamed at me for forgetting to drop steak knives on my tables. It's taken me years to realize that I'm too laid back a person for intense and particularly dumbass situations such as these. She desperately wanted me to care, but I just DIDN'T GIVE A SHIT.

Too young

I was friends with this boy in the 4th grade and his mother invited me over their house. Unwittingly, I went because I was new to the school. But his mother was pushy and before I knew it, I was her son's girlfriend. In retrospect, he was a nice kid. I was kind of mute and played a lot of board games in their basement. I don't even think we held hands, but his mother made us romantic, candlelit dinners whenever I went over. This went on from 4th grade til 6th grade. I guess I was so quiet that I just went along with things. Today he won't be my friend on Facebook. I want to ask him if he blames me or her.

One 't'

I dated a guy with one 't' at the end of his name. 99.9% of the time this name has two t's. But I'd rather not mention it because he might be reading this right now. If so, he knows I'm talking about him. Fml. We met in college. I was a sophomore and he was a senior. We read a love scene from a play called, 'The Woolgatherers.' Great play. He had a pet iguana that he walked on a leash. He was very kind and he drank 40's. That summer I drove to his house in the woods that his parents built in western MA. Everything made sense once I saw where he grew up. He grew up on a goat farm.

Forrest Gump

I was recently informed by my mother that I wore leg braces as an infant because the doctor was concerned my legs were turning outward. Thank goodness this was during infancy and not during prom, for instance.

Teacher's pet

Elementary school teachers loved me. I think it's because my mom still dressed me and everything matched; from my headband right down to my socks. I was also very quiet and aimed to please. I remember my third grade teacher, 'Ms. Devin,' making me do odd tasks. Like staying in from recess to help her clean. But she was so afraid I'd get dirty, that she'd put paper towels down on the floor for my pretty little knees. I found ashtrays full of her butts next to the yellow sponges in the steel school cabinets. Her voice was raspy and her makeup was thick. Years later she passed away in a bad car accident. She loved me like a daughter. I both feared and respected her. Other people called her, 'Devil-dog Devin.'

Sleepaway camp

The summer before 7th grade, I attended a week-long acting sleepaway camp in the sticks of New York. The first signs that something was awry were the military-style cold showers, the twenty push-ups and the horse-size vitamins we had to swallow every morning. At the tender age of 12, I felt like I was on the set of Platoon. I also bunked with a blond girl named Lacey. Her middle name was Cinnamon. Lacey Cinnamon. She cried and cried until she was sent home. I stuck it out and petted the goats. Goats? Yes, there were goats. I also befriended a teacher who played John Lennon's, "Give Peace A Chance," on repeat.